June 18th, 2012- Camping off Forest Rd 254, Grand
Mesa
Quite
a lapse in my journal since the last entry. I guess you could say quite a lapse of time. My last entry was early March; I was
pondering what was going on with my health…
I find myself lounging inside the
protective bubble of my tent. The
seasons are early this year in Western CO, including mosquito season. I have been here long enough that many
of them that were frosted onto the netting have given up. Still, a dozen or so, with the leg-span
of a quarter, hopefully await my departure from the tent. I imagine this will come soon and I
will navigate their buzzing and parasitic nature. I should free my pup as well. I have quarantined Beacon to the back of the truck for her
own protection. The pathetic look
on her face earlier expressed her own solemn irritation at the onslaught she
was suffering. We’ve both napped
the morning away. I’ve also put a
nice dent in my book, Mom’s Marijuana…
(AND WHOOO! At that very moment a large cinnamon colored bear just lumbered
across the field in front of me. I
am suddenly energized!) My
thoughts seem unimportant now- I have been blessed by bear medicine,
introspection. Perhaps my thoughts
are important now!
I
remarked to Larkin a few days ago that I am tired of reading books about cancer
stories. It reminds me too much of
my reality. I have been living
lately with such life. No fears or
concerns around my AML diagnosis or the “failure” of the two rounds of chemo
I’ve been through. I’ve been to
Tijuana and back on a crazy adventure the whole time optimistic and completely
confident in success. At times I’ve
wondered if I’m in denial, but I know I’m not. I’m carrying the mindset that will cure me. But reading the book, today’s account
of a bone marrow biopsy with ravaging chemotherapy after a Hodgkin’s relapse,
and me, in the grandest solitude I have felt in months… the “what ifs” arise. The ache in my elbow joint, the
occasional throbbing in my shinbones, what is happening in my body, my blood,
my marrow?
I
am so content here in my MSR bubble.
The natural world is moving all around my stillness. A ground squirrel has twice walked up to the mesh of my tent and hopped on. Fearing rips in the delicate yet
protective barrier, my protesting feet sent it fleeing up and over to slide
down the slick rainfly attached to the aft half of the tent. What levity! The chorus of feathered ones has been a constant meditation
since sunrise. Thankfully, the
irritating rattle of tree squirrels that woke me originally has long since
passed. Occasionally, the relative
silence is broken by a gust through treetops. The rush through the aspens and evergreens sounds like a
long wave crashing to the shore.
Back in the silence, the large firs in front of me subtly ungulate like
anemones in a tide pool, each branch independently swaying. With an unfocused gaze that takes in
the complete scene there is sweetness.
The view from my mesh bubble has me sandwiched between sky blue and
various shades of green Earth. I
like it here, certainly better than in the tattling pages of my compelling
book.
June 18th, 2012
Leeches and
Lilies
The lure of the
Buddha in lily pads drew me to this mesa lake sitting spot.
Dragonflies with
medieval enchanted magic, charged from illuminated pedals in bloom,
dance the Hop to Hop
and hover in stillness, pausing for realness.
Like I’ve done on
this “getting out.”
My gaze drops below
to the watery realm and unmoving current.
Wildlife viewing of
leeches, in mass, beyond reaches,
take me to parasitic
actions I know.
Daydreams ensue of
abdominal strife, healing cuts of the knife,
And this battle I
should now be waging…
That moment or more,
past,
once my eyes took the
shore, refocusing my sight on the surface.
There, stillness and
charm, an unbothered account of surface beauty.
Present, the length
of the pond.
There the vision
stays, until the mind betrays with fears of my Beyond.
And back to the
surface, to the practice of Beauty.
The Buddha in lily
pads.