The support and fundraising that has happened on my behalf has touched my heart and has made alternative cancer treatment a possibility for me. Donations continue to be my primary funding for healthy food, supplements, living expenses and medical bills. If you feel moved to give to my Health and Wellness Fund, please follow the Paypal "Donate" button below. To avoid Paypal's 3% fee, checks or cash can be sent to Zachariah Walker, 1003 Chipeta Ave, Grand Junction, CO 81501. Blessings!
*CRITICAL ANGELES HOSPITAL VISIT: CURRENT ESTIMATED COST = $25,000. AHHH! PLUS UNEXPECTED CRISIS CONTROL AND 4 DAYS IN ICU*
Friday, January 25, 2013
I have a complex situation. I guess I already knew that, but that perspective from one of the hospitalists I was recently visiting in St. Mary’s Hospital struck a new chord. Add the fact that I had fallen so far into suffering that I lost track of where I was. I also had to laugh to myself because his perspective was based solely on the physical ramifications of my scenario. With a glance at the mental, emotional and spiritual, complex becomes a drastic understatement. Weave in the philosophic polarity between holistic and allopathic treatment, and the fact that my health decisions are completely self-guided choices, and just the search for a synonym that adequately describes this “complex” situation becomes a daunting task. It all calls for a long walk in the woods. And, unfortunately, my energy, mobility, the horrific air quality and 20-degree weather really nix that as being a reasonable and prudent remedy. So, I turn to writing. Here, I attempt to purge the stagnation of thoughts and feelings that have not been flowing. I attempt to make some sense of the insane. I search for clarity and guidance on icy slopes under the dim light of hard winter. I look for distractions from the daydream of an endless float down the dammed Colorado River. I seek visions of a future worth working so hard to live for, and I simply muse the words “working so hard.” Do I need to find a reason to dig myself out of another deep hole?
I certainly feel much more philosophical than practical in my mind this morning. After a good 12 hours of much needed sleep following two miserable nights at the hospital I feel some relative level of calm. I might have the post haze of hydrocodone and cannabis but am currently drug and pain free. Confined freedom, getting to leave my cell to walk the fenced yard. I would breath in the sun if it offered itself. Instead I appreciate the comfort of soft fleece and down. And I am amazed. I have spent my life developing, whether I like it or not, a relationship with irritable bowels. Call it Ulcerative Colitis, call it Crohn’s, call it six major surgeries, three missing organs and a poop bag to boot. Call it what I like, I’ve never known it like I know it now. And before now, as I have related to some friends, its lifetime tribulations have made a year with Leukemia seem like a walk in the park. Leukemia, especially acute, is a freak the fuck out, not a walk in the park. So what is it all together? As far as I know, I’m the only one that knows. I guess I’ll sit on that for a while…