Fundraising Countdown

The support and fundraising that has happened on my behalf has touched my heart and has made alternative cancer treatment a possibility for me. Donations continue to be my primary funding for healthy food, supplements, living expenses and medical bills. If you feel moved to give to my Health and Wellness Fund, please follow the Paypal "Donate" button below. To avoid Paypal's 3% fee, checks or cash can be sent to Zachariah Walker, 1003 Chipeta Ave, Grand Junction, CO 81501. Blessings!

*CRITICAL ANGELES HOSPITAL VISIT: CURRENT ESTIMATED COST = $25,000. AHHH! PLUS UNEXPECTED CRISIS CONTROL AND 4 DAYS IN ICU*

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Friday, January 25, 2013

Complexities


I have a complex situation.  I guess I already knew that, but that perspective from one of the hospitalists I was recently visiting in St. Mary’s Hospital struck a new chord.  Add the fact that I had fallen so far into suffering that I lost track of where I was.  I also had to laugh to myself because his perspective was based solely on the physical ramifications of my scenario.  With a glance at the mental, emotional and spiritual, complex becomes a drastic understatement.  Weave in the philosophic polarity between holistic and allopathic treatment, and the fact that my health decisions are completely self-guided choices, and just the search for a synonym that adequately describes this “complex” situation becomes a daunting task.  It all calls for a long walk in the woods.  And, unfortunately, my energy, mobility, the horrific air quality and 20-degree weather really nix that as being a reasonable and prudent remedy.  So, I turn to writing.  Here, I attempt to purge the stagnation of thoughts and feelings that have not been flowing.  I attempt to make some sense of the insane.  I search for clarity and guidance on icy slopes under the dim light of hard winter.  I look for distractions from the daydream of an endless float down the dammed Colorado River.  I seek visions of a future worth working so hard to live for, and I simply muse the words “working so hard.”  Do I need to find a reason to dig myself out of another deep hole?

I certainly feel much more philosophical than practical in my mind this morning.  After a good 12 hours of much needed sleep following two miserable nights at the hospital I feel some relative level of calm.  I might have the post haze of hydrocodone and cannabis but am currently drug and pain free.  Confined freedom, getting to leave my cell to walk the fenced yard.  I would breath in the sun if it offered itself.  Instead I appreciate the comfort of soft fleece and down.  And I am amazed.  I have spent my life developing, whether I like it or not, a relationship with irritable bowels.  Call it Ulcerative Colitis, call it Crohn’s, call it six major surgeries, three missing organs and a poop bag to boot.  Call it what I like, I’ve never known it like I know it now.  And before now, as I have related to some friends, its lifetime tribulations have made a year with Leukemia seem like a walk in the park.  Leukemia, especially acute, is a freak the fuck out, not a walk in the park.  So what is it all together?  As far as I know, I’m the only one that knows.  I guess I’ll sit on that for a while…


7 comments:

sheri said...

so. beautifully. written. i think of you every single day.

Anonymous said...

as I read through this update my heart and overabundance of feel good energy I send to you via spirit. I admire you for keep on keeping on...knowing myself, I would not want to continue so bravely as yourself. I used to work for St. Mary's home health care and took care of one person with something 'like' what you have (all are individual for sure!) and I am so sorry you have this condition. Keep writing and finding outlets of your true beautiful self. My best wishes of comfort and recovery to you, and also research into solutions. My dis-ease is also very hidden and until then....keep on writing. Sorry I have not made it to any of your events. With Love and Warm Regards, Susan

Kathie W said...

Crohn's is such a vicious disease, Zach, and I've admired you since you were a little guy for the grace with which you've handled all the (pardon the pun) shit life has thrown at you. In some inexplicable way, it has all seemed to make your spirit shine more all the time. I hope writing provides an outlet and source of comfort. My love and most healing thoughts are with you. Kathie

Anonymous said...

I think of you every time I look at the aprons hanging on the wall for sale and every time I call my son since his name is Zachariah also. So lots of good thoughts and love coming your way! Your writing is wonderful...

Anonymous said...

Sending you love and thoughts of sunshine.

john anglim said...

Hey Zach. So sorry for your suffering and struggle, dear friend. Hope the return of the sun will be soon and with it, brighter days for you, brother. So many sending love and good thoughts for your healing. Much love and peace.

Lindaa said...

Oh, Myself,
You come and go,
Through the paths of time and space.

In useless play,
You'll not find the way,
So set your course and go.

Breathe my love, breathe my love, breathe in the quiet center.

Excerpts from "Kabir" a song by Snatam Kahr. Love you Z, lots. Linda McB