Finding Zachariah

Last Friday night I experienced a great gathering of community for my showing of “Finding Joe.”  The documentary centered on the story of “the hero’s journey,” a pattern hidden in the stories of all world mythologies according to Joseph Campbell.  The timing for this movie was remarkable as it resonated so deeply with the journey I’ve been on.  And really, the beauty of the message is, it is one we can all relate to in our own way.  The buzz in the studio was wonderful.  At intermission and afterwards people connected through conversation and shared their own inspirations (see pics).  It was truly a magical event.  (“Finding Joe” on Youtube)

The journey of the hero is marked by three phases: Departure, Initiation, and Return.  I could relate to all aspects as they were illustrated, but what most struck me was in the Return of the Hero.  The greatest gift the Hero returns with is not treasure, fortune, or any other material possession.  The gift is the story.  The story is what is offered and what remains long after the Hero is gone.  That story impacts, influences and guides others on their own journeys in ways that will never be measured.  I felt a great satisfaction at the end of the evening knowing that was exactly what I was doing.  It was also clear that the Hero’s Journey is not a completion but a continuation.  The cycles of departure, initiation and return are ongoing.  I imagine it as an upward spiral; we will face the same obstacles over and over, each time reaching new depths.  And though the journey may appear as an outward one, the true journey and initiation comes from within.

Hollywood and ancient mythologies portray the Hero’s Journey in so many different ways.  It is evident to me that each hero is not merely going on a wild adventure; they are on a path of personal healing, of finding who they truly are.  I call this the Higher Self or Authentic Self.  Take Luke Skywalker for example.  He experiences the trauma of his adoptive parents being slain by the bad guys and is forced to depart what he knows, his comforts.  His adventures are an initiation of moving beyond his fears and embracing his own power.  And though his story may be fictitious in our eyes, it is still inspiring. 

The notion of “slaying dragons” is an important one for me to relate.  We, as humans, so easily see our obstacles and fears as something outside of us.  The truth is, what we see externally is merely a reflection of what is happening internally.  Our journey is one into our own psyche, of understanding what it is within us that holds us back.  It is a process of learning and gathering tools, not to kill the dragons within, but to tame them, accept them, and love them.  That is where we find peace, and in turn, our own power.  One of my latest personal revelations is about a deep seeded Fear of the World.  I have worked through so many layers of this fear.  Friends who know me now don’t believe I was a quiet, blend-in, scared to talk to girls kid going through school and childhood.  Throughout life I’ve journeyed into my depths to let go, resolve, accept… but the layers are deep.  Even recently I have been awed by uncovering a new depth, and in letting go, a new lightness within.  I ended my last blog with the Intention that has come out of it.  “I AM Safe and Powerful in the World.”  Result = new level of Empowerment. 

Back to “the Story.”  Or I should say, My Story.  I’ve already related the aftermath of my Crohn’s crisis and hospitalization.  Cancer blasts have again shown up in my blood.  From one crisis to another…  It seems that the wearing down of my body and immune system opened the floodgates between my marrow and blood.  As strange as it is that flood happened in a day’s time, between my CBC on Jan 23^rd and 24^th.  That first blast count read 45% according to the machine count.  A week and a half later, after my retreat to Ouray (see Shaman’s Death blog), my count was 29%, a mysterious drop after some serious self-care.  One week later (this past Monday), after a full week of balancing self care with busy-ness, my blast count read 50% with a three times increase in actual numbers and drops in my H&H and platelets.  Urgency and anxiety have joined the flood, I can feel them in my blood.  I’m calmer today as I write this, thanks especially to my amazing Larkin who has been going through significant transformations of her own.  Her perspectives have been calming and grounding.  However, we are in serious action plan mode.

Just moments ago I got off the phone with my local oncologist’s team.  My CBC from this morning shows slight increases in my good numbers and overall stable or not increasing blasts.  This simply means I’ll skip a transfusion and head to Angeles Hospital in Mexico ASAP.  So, it looks like I’m off on my next Hero’s Journey.  The other day I wept at the reality of the ongoing, of facing the next crisis.  I so deeply long to be home, be with my friends and community, and simply do my thing.  My next “departure” looks like it’s tomorrow and because of the immediacy; it will be a solo journey.  I truly believe that all of this is part of a huge personal healing process.  Much has been discussed and debated and going to Angeles, I feel, is what will support me through it.  The “dragons” that come up are much smaller than before.  I have faith I will continually be supported physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially.  I fail in describing how BIG things really are in my, and our, reality.  However, I do know this.  Whether I live or die through this immense healing process I know I have experienced a beautiful new depth of my Authentic Self and I am sharing my greatest gift, My Story.