It’s long past time for bed but restlessness has me bouncing around beneath these tired eyes. The energy I’ve felt running through my body today has been remarkable. I bounced around my room like a caged tiger and yearned for my mountain bike and a run up Pete-E-Kes. How, I imagined, could I feel this way with an apparent life-threatening crisis going on inside my body? That thought also reflecting my CBC from the day, showing the highest white blood cell count I’ve seen since the first blood test scare in mid-Feb. Is there a miracle happening? Is the flood of love and positive energy that I can tangible feel coming my way shifting things? Of course it is. To what degree we will see.
Today marked the first true day of clarity for me. Since last Wed, and my check-in at the ER for severe Chron’s symptoms and a transfer to the oncology ward at St. Mary’s hospital, life has been a crash course in mobilization. In a flood of overwhelming information my closest friend (and Naturopathic doctor) Christopher cleared his reality to be my advocate and my parents seemed to immediately transport from Montana to my bedside. Treatment options as far reaching as a journey to Germany crossed the realm of possibilities and each 24 hours something new was on the table. And we’ve come to this moment, though the occasional spring wind creates its stirring, the dust has settled. There is a sense of peace in stilling the mobilization, but with it I can feel the building energy of a looming storm cloud.
Chemotherapy is scheduled to start (since it has now drifted past midnight) later on this 4th day of April. I realize there is no way to know what that means until it is happening. The next week of Induction and the week following are the hardest I’ve been told, I guess that’s just a known fact. I already can feel the blur it will be… I also know there is reason behind this whole experience, of course there must be, or what is the point, right? My most amazing (for serious lack of fair description) girlfriend shared tonight an article from the New York Times that is an excerpt from the book “Dancing at the Edge of Life,” a memoir from a cancer survivor. In it a passage struck me, a reflection of words I’ve shared with people over the past years regarding my beliefs around the human condition, finalized with a reason. A reason to be here now, experiencing what I am…
“…I have been attuning so closely to the Earth that I may be manifesting in my own body what is in hers. Humanity living out of balance with nature is her cancer, a fast-growing malignancy, life-threatening yet curable. It fits. It is one answer to the question “Why me?” Perhaps I have tuned in so deeply, so wholly, that I’ve become as sick as the planet. And in the process of healing myself, I will help heal the world.”
6 comments:
Amazing, Z! I love the quote, because I am sure all of your friends and family are asking the question, "Why Z?" I will have to look up that book. I recently went through those questions with my cousin Faith, who I am sure I have mentioned to you. She was a 20-year breast cancer survivor who came more alive in her last three years with ALS. Why her? In those three years, she taught all of her family and friends much about the importance of life and how to live it to the fullest, and she was never without a smile on her face, even though she could not speak the way we do. She is my hero, and now I am going to add you to my short list of heroes. I can't imagine what you will endure during your first days of chemo, but I know your inner spirit and enthusiasm for life will get you through. You are not far from my thoughts at any time of the day, and I am sure your thousands of friends can say the same thing - - so no wonder you are feeling the power! Bless you, Z, Gay
We're thinking a lot about you! So much love is going your way.
Have you seen this NY Times article ?
A beautiful and thoughtful blog entry, Z. So sorry you have to go through this, but equally sure you will take it on with grace and power and love. You're in all our hearts out here.Be well soon, my friend. John A
I found this thru my beautiful friend, Nicole, sharing the link! You are a true inspiration Zachariah and Thank You so much for sharing your story thru this blog! I will throw into the mix an "Abundance of Love your Way"! The Power of Love, nothing could be better! Blessings!
Hi Zach, I am a friend of Grace Walker (GayGay) in Massachusetts and just read your blog. It is almost one year to the day, (and it was the Thursday before Easter) that I was diagnosed with very serious Ovarian Cancer. I still cannot totally wrap my head around it...sounds crazy but to know and feel the power of peoples' love for oneself is not easy to describe. Chemo every week for 18 weeks, now every three weeks, it just became my summer job, and I am feeling very good today, so very grateful for all of life's ups and downs. I wish you well, even though I don't know you, I can feel in my heart that this will never beat you!
Healing energy to you kind spirit!
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